On his podcast Sunday night, Community creator Dan Harmon used a rather, um, unpleasant rape analogy to describe the agonizing helplessness of watching his replacements pick up his brainchild and run with it. “It’s exciting," Harmon said. "There’s something awesome about being held down and watching your family get raped on a beach.”

Fans were less than thrilled.

Then, last night, Harmon wrote an incisive, introspective, and funny apology.

Does anyone think rape is funny? I hope not. Do we become more progressive culturally through the mitigation of inappropriate language? I don’t know, it’s sure worth continued discussion, if you feel strongly one way or the other you should come up on stage at the next Harmontown. In the mean time, I am deeply sorry to anyone I hurt by using the word “rape” in a comedic context. I am sorry to anyone I hurt by conjuring the concept of rape in a metaphor about my stupid hurt feelings. As you saw above, unless you skimmed this blog entry for the word “rape,” I was not thinking about the impact of my words on the people that love Community and work on it. So I hope you can believe me when I tell you I was definitely not thinking about the impact of that word on people that are currently seeking to get it out of comedic contexts. I’m very sorry to have hurt and frustrated you and I will definitely be swayed from the use of that word in comedic contexts because I don’t like hurting people and as an added bonus, I don’t like getting yelled at on Twitter. Especially when the people yelling have phrases like “rape joke” on their side. It’s kind of hard to think of oneself as being “pro rape joke.” Don’t want to be that guy. Done and done.

Oh, on the politically correct side, I just remembered something else. I think when I did my impression of Season 4’s impression of me, I said “durpy durpy dur, I’m Dan Harmon,” which I think I saw someone point out is language used to dehumanize the developmentally disabled, and that’s not cool, I shouldn’t have done that.

This is a good way to do things.

Wow. Yikes. Okey dokey. Well. Yes. When asked about Angelina Jolie's decision to undergo a preventive double mastectomy, Melissa Etheridge, who also carries the BRCA gene (and got breast cancer from it) says she definitely wouldn't call it a "brave choice." Because people should really think about granola bars and squeezy stress balls first or something.

I wouldn’t call it the brave choice," Etheridge, 52, says. "I actually think it's the most fearful choice you can make when confronting anything with cancer. My belief is that cancer comes from inside you and so much of it has to do with the environment of your body. It's the stress that will turn that gene on or not."

Instead, Etheridge says a preventative mastectomy should be something a person considers after examining all of her options.

"Plenty of people have the gene mutation and everything but it never comes to cancer," she says. "I would say to anybody faced with that, that choice is way down the line on the spectrum of what you can do and to really consider the advancements we've made in things like nutrition and stress levels."

YEAH, HASN'T ANGELINA JOLIE HEARD OF ACAI BERRIES? WHY DID SHE FRIVOLOUSLY IMPULSE-PURCHASE THIS DRASTIC SURGERY ON A WHIM WITH ZERO FORETHOUGHT OR MEDICAL CONSULTATION!?!?!?!?! If anyone can figure out a charitable interpretation of that statement, could you let me know? I'm coming up empty. [People]

Neil Patrick Harris is going to play Hedwig on Broadway!

“I am simultaneously ecstatic and terrified to be stepping into Hedwig’s heels,” said Harris, who was last seen on stage in the New York Philharmonic’s concert version of Stephen Sondheim’s Company, in a release. “It is truly a once-in-a-lifetime role and I can’t wait to begin the journey.”

“Who better to pass the wig to but the finest entertainer of his generation?” said John Cameron Mitchell, who wrote the book and starred in the original stage and film productions of Hedwig, in a release. “It’s like you’re putting together a fantasy rock band and Paul McCartney agrees to play bass,” said composer Stephen Trask.

NPH is a treasure. [EW]

Hugh Jackman just seems like the nicest dude ever. Just nicin' around all nice all the time.

"As an actor, I've always believed that any label is your enemy," Jackman tells Men's Fitness magazine. "Look, I was brought up in a way where you treat people with respect. So it's certainly easier for me to be polite and respectful to people than to be an a—hole."

The 44-year-old continued, "Like, if I'm walking down the street with my family and the 29th person says, ‘Hey man, can I get a photo?' for me to say, ‘No photos, get f—ked'—for the next hour I'll be thinking I shouldn't have said that. Whereas, if I say either, ‘Yeah, no problem,' or, ‘Listen, I'm with my family now, but it's nice to meet you,' then I move on, in a way it's easier. It's a mixture of that and also not being a wanker."

Nice-a-Roni: The San Fransisc-Hugh Treat. Of Nice and (Jack)Men. A third pun. [E!]

• Ke$sha says her urine was nbd, duh. It's just urine. I love her so much. [E!]
• Simon Baker is handsome. Here he is in a place, doing something. [JustJared]
• "Miley's Best Ab Moments." [E!]
• Wait, why is Selma Blair on Anger Moneygrab Management with Charlie Sheen? (RHETORICAL QUESTION DO NOT ANSWER IT.) I think of her as a talented, appealing indie darling with integrity. Am I confused? Anyway, she and Uncle Charlie are in a fight, so she might get fired. [Deadline]
• Courtney Stodden got enormous boob implants "for the first time." She looks forward to doing something sexual with them. [E!]
• Katy Perry says she's ready to switch to "age-appropriate make-up." Also her nipple cannons will squirt Ensure instad of whipped cream. [People]
• Pippa Middleton went to something called the "Aegon Championships," which doesn't have anything to do with Targaryens, so tldr. [JustJared]
• The Wanted decided to do something, and now someone from The Wanted is talking about it to someone. [E!]
• Taylor Swift and Michelle Rodriguez wore the same dress kind of. Quick! Care about it! [E!]
• DEMI LOVATO GOT A MANICURE WHILE TAKING A NAP AND SHE CALLED IT A "NAPICURE" SO WE'RE IN LOVE NOW. [MTV]
• Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh! Kim Stolz from ANTM got married to her lady love! Then Nicole showed up at the reception and stole everybody's granola bars. [Us]
• bradley cooper lol [E!]
• Britney Spears made a Smurf song for you or something. [Twitter]
  
• Speaking of weird movie/pop music crossover singles.
  

Images via Getty.

JUST KIDDING I'M OBVIOUSLY JUST KIDDING. Although I'm sure there's some dumb dude in some backyard somewhere meat-chortling about zomg what happens when they all get their periods in null gravity and their synced-up cycles pull all of Jupiter's moons out of whack you can't drive a spaceship when there's melted Dove Promises all over the controls #womyn #thanksobama. Man, eff that dumb guy.

But hooray for meritorious women making strides in traditionally male-dominated fields! Wooo! The female astronauts, like their male counterparts, were selected (out of more than 6,000 applicants) for their science brains, space knowledge, mightiness, mechanical skillz, ability to hold in vomit, bravery in the face of inconceivable gelatinous worms, and being really good at floating. I am very, very proud of them.

Among the lucky candidates: the first female fighter pilot to become an astronaut in nearly two decades. A female helicopter pilot also is in the group. In fact, four of the eight are women, the highest percentage of female astronaut candidates ever selected by NASA.

Monday's announcement came on the eve of the 30th anniversary of the launch of the first American woman in space, Sally Ride. She died last summer.

The eight — all in their 30s—were chosen from more than 6,000 applications received early last year, the second largest number ever received. They will report for duty in August at Johnson Space Center in Houston and join 49 astronauts currently at NASA. The number has dwindled ever since the space shuttles stopped flying in 2011. Many astronauts quit rather than get in a lengthy line for relatively few slots for long-term missions aboard the International Space Station.

FUCK YEAH LADY ASTRONAUTS.

But all of this raises a much more important questions: Why am I hearing about things like "NASA picks eight new astronauts" NOT in the form of a televised weekly call-in contest show? OMG, they could call it Star Search: LITERALLY! Copyrighted. Send me a million bucks, Hollywood.

NASA picks 8 new astronauts, 4 of them women [FOX]

I don't really like alcohol that much. I mean, I definitely drink it—I like a wine or a cocktail (and a cocktail and a cocktail) on a Friday afternoon—but I'm not one of those people who, say, sips a fine oaky bourbon and is all, "Oh, impudent...aspirational...cryptic...NEEDS MORE LOAM." I don't give a shit. Just hurry up and get it down there so I can talk to people like a normal.

Or, better yet, can I just have some chocolate milk and go home and watch Dateline: Real Life Mysteries? I'm so old and tired!

But ANYHOO, ever in search of new ways to make me gag on camera (after the Great Candy Corn Oreo Imbroglio of 2012) my editor decided I should get to the bottom of the never ending stream of celebrity vanity liquor brands. By taking shots of all of them in a row.

So I did it. I drank all the brands of celebrity liquor so you don't have to.

Well, all of them I could find, at least—which, it turns out, is not very many. Celebrities are good at a lot of things (putting on outfits and yelling, having their own planes, being exhausted, smizing) but liquor distribution, apparently, is not in their wheelhouse. Eventually, following an hour on the phone and a drive to a liquor warehouse by the airport, I tracked down five:

• Justin Timberlake's 901 Tequila
• Carlos Santana's Casa Noble Tequila
• Dan Aykroyd's Crystal Head Vodka
• Sammy Hagar's Cabo Wabo Tequila
• Diddy's Ciroc Coconut Flavored Vodka

Watch the video to find out who "won." Hint: It wasn't me!

(For those of you who want to cut to the chase, I start drinking the hard stuff at the 2:45 mark.)

Special thanks to Ahamefule J. Oluo and Ijeoma Oluo.

There's something so uniquely sad about the parents of adult children getting divorced. I know it's not more sad or less sad than parents of little kids splitting up—life isn't a sad contest—but transitioning into independence is hard enough without having the foundation you're leaving behind fall apart too. Miley Cyrus says she's fine, though.

When asked how she's doing in the wake of the divorce news, Shelly says Cyrus, 20, said, "Oh, I'm fine. I'm okay."

Shelly says she also said her parents' divorce after 19 years of marriage won't be that noticeable for the singer because of her busy travel schedule.

"I'm much more concerned for my sister [Noah]. She's 13," Cyrus said, according to Shelly, whose real name is Michelle Menaker.

On Friday Noah Tweeted, "Please pray for me and my family."

I genuinely just did frowny-face for 10 full minutes. Sad stuff is sad whether people are rich and famous or not. :( [People]

Amelia's 8-year-old son has been calling Darren Criss "my boyfriend" since he was 6. On Criss's recent tour, he finally got to meet him. You should read the whole thing.

Eventually, the time did pass, and we were brought up to meet him. My kiddo was so nervous and anxious that he was practically jumping out of his skin. And then he was there, and my son met his first love. It was adorable. Darren Criss was charming and lovely, and my son was so shy but happy. As for their conversation, that's not really mine to share. Maybe someday, when my kid is older, he'll write about it, but until then, it remains as it should be: between him and Darren.

When it was my turn to talk, I found my normally sure-spoken self decidedly absent. What could I say to this young man who meant so much to my kid, this young man who, by playing a television character, had helped lead my son to tell me about his orientation and, by extension, helped change the trajectory of my own life toward activism? "Thank you" felt so insufficient, but it was all I had.

No, sure, no problem. I didn't need my eyeballs or face tonight. [HuffPo]

Modern Family writer Danny Zuker ripping airhorn-with-a-wig-on-it Donald Trump to shreds on Twitter is the most cathartic shit I've seen all year.

Read the whole thing if you like things that are awesome to read. [NextImpulse]

• Bindi Irwin is not dead. [E!]
• Two princes visit another prince. [Us]
• Here is Henry Winkler hob-nobbing with Mario Lopez. [Extra]
• Wait, did everyone already know that hot chef Curtis Stone got adorably married to Janet from 90210? IT'S LIKE ALL OF MY INTERESTS JUST HAD SEX WITH EACH OTHER. [Us]
• Today in things I didn't know I was supposed to be worrying about, Sandra Bullock insists she's not "going anywhere." [Express]
• Selena Gomez has a new baby sister named Gracie! [E!]
• LIAM GALLAGHER'S FACE. [Express]
• Vanessa Hudgens is excited for this weekend. [JustJared]
• For Father's Day, Nick Cannon's just planning to sit around and listen to his kids talk. [E!]
• Kate Bosworth in dress. [E!]
• Melissa Joan Hart says she made out with Ryan Reynolds one time. [ContactMusic]
• SEE YOU NEXT WEEK, MY LOVES.
  

Images via Getty.

To clarify: I put "rape jokes" in the headline, for brevity, because rape culture in comedy is a frequent and contentious topic 'round these parts. But the true heart of Patton Oswalt's expansive essay is much more universal. It's about bubbles—how all of us live in our bubbles, hide in our bubbles, and judge others through the distorting, refracting walls of our bubbles.

And then, ultimately, it's about popping bubbles.

There is a collective consciousness that can detect the presence (and approach) of something good or bad, in society or the world, before any hard “evidence” exists. It’s happening now with the concept of “rape culture.” Which, by the way, isn’t a concept. It’s a reality. I’m just not the one who’s going to bring it into focus. But I’ve read enough viewpoints, and spoken to enough of my female friends (comedians and non-comedians) to know it isn’t some vaporous hysteria, some false meme or convenient catch-phrase.

I’m a comedian. I value and love what I do. And I value and love the fact that this sort of furious debate is going on about the art form I’ve decided to spend my life pursuing. If it wasn’t, it would mean all of the joke thief defenders and heckler supporters are right, that stand-up comedy is some low, disposable form of carnival distraction, a party trick anyone can do. It’s obviously not. This debate proves it. And I don’t want to be on the side of the debate that only argues from its own limited experience. And I don’t need the sense memory of an actor, or a degree from Columbia, or a moody, desert god to tell me that.

I’m a man. I get to be wrong. And I get to change.

If anyone out there is on the fence, ever, about the power of public self-reflection and owning your mistakes, watch the response to this essay and tell me Patton doesn't come off like a fucking boss.

It's long, but you should really go read the whole thing.

Images via Getty.

THE U.S. NAVY ANNOUNCED TUESDAY THAT THEY WILL NO LONGER TRANSMIT INTERNAL COMMUNICATIONS IN ALL-CAPS. LOWERCASE MESSAGES, THEY SAID, "PROVIDE A MORE READABLE FORMAT" AND ARE "HERE TO STAY." LOWERCASE MESSAGES ARE THE FUTURE. ALL-CAPS CAN SUCK IT.

WELL, FUCK THAT.

I LOVE ALL-CAPS. I LOOOOOOOOOOVE THEEEEEEEEEEEEEM. ALL-CAPS ARE MY BEST FRIEND AND MY FOOD AND THE DEFAULT TYPEFACE OF MY MOTHERFUCKING HEART.

ALL-CAPS ARE A VITAL LITERARY TOOL AND HISTORY WILL BEAR ME OUT.

I LOVE THE UNFILTERED, UNAPOLOGETIC PUSHINESS OF ALL-CAPS. I LOVE THE BREAK FROM PROPRIETY. I LOVE THE HONESTY OF IT. I LOVE LETTING LOUD FEELINGS BE LOUD. I LOVE HOW ALL-CAPS HELP ME FILTER OUT PEOPLE WHO PRIORITIZE CONVENTION OVER CONTENT, BECAUSE I DO NOT CARE VERY MUCH ABOUT IMPRESSING THOSE PEOPLE.

OH, ALL CAPS ARE "UNREADABLE"?

CAN YOU REALLY NOT READ THIS?

CAN YOU REALLY NOT READ THIS

WHY ARE YOU SO BAD AT READING

IS THERE ANYTHING MORE VISCERALLY SATISFYING THAN SHOUTING A QUESTION IN ALL CAPS AND NOT USING A QUESTION MARK

IT SAYS

THE QUESTION IS AS IMPORTANT AS THE ANSWER

ALL-CAPS WITH NO PUNCTUATION IS SO MUCH TRUER TO THE WAY THOUGHTS HURTLE OUT OF THE HUMAN BRAIN THAN CAREFULLY MANICURED AND PUNCTUATED SENTENCES COULD EVER BE

SOMETIMES YOU NEED THAT.

PARTICULARLY IN MOMENTS OF EXCITEMENT AND ANGER AND SURPRISE AND (MY FAVORITE) NEAR-SPEECHLESS INCREDULITY. THOSE THOUGHTS ARE BIG, NOT SMALL, AND ALL-CAPS LETS YOU GRANT THEM THE BIGNESS THAT THEY DESERVE. ALL-CAPS HELPS YOU BREAK THROUGH THE SPEECHLESSNESS. LIKE THE MOTHERFUCKING KOOL-AID MAN OF FEELINGS.

ALL-CAPS EXPAND THE VISUAL REPERTOIRE OF LANGUAGE.

OH, IT'S LIKE I'M SCREAMING WHEN I'M WRITING, AND THAT BOTHERS YOU? WELL SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING.

GET

REAL

PRIORITIES.

LOVE,

LINDY

One weird thing about being a professional writer is that a lot of people seem to think your job is fake. Up until a couple of years ago, people said shit like this to me all the time: "Oh, you do your little jokes in the newspaper, right? Maybe you can help me write some jokes for my favorite geology professor's going away banquet! It'd just be, like, 20-30 rock-themed zingers. Pay you? Haha, good one, but you're welcome for the free joke-writing practice, slugger!"

DOOD. THIS IS A JOB. I haven't worked for free since my first year out of college when did that "magazine internship" that ended up just being a front for the creepy owners' motivational corporate fire-walking business. (My "internship" was mainly just driving all over L.A. hauling motivational firewood.) And even that wasn't totally for free because sometimes they would touch me on the arm and give me $20, which I would then take to Trader Joe's and glug limeade until I felt clean again.

While unpaid internships have a regrettable place in the present-day publishing industry (they're really just another avenue for privileged kids to leap ahead and then demand credit for "natural talent" and "putting in the hard work"), they're at least more legit than asking respected, established writers to work for free. But, weirdly, that happens all the time.

It happened recently to Australian comedy writer and columnist Catherine Deveny, who was approached by the Equal corporation (as in, the blue packet people) about joining "a community of influential Australian Women who will participate in a debate about the choices Australian women make." All she had to do, you see, in order to participate in this very exciting fake-sugar talking opportunity, was to "contribute" her thoughts on various "controversial" and "frivolous" women's issues, and then let Equal use her name and personal brand in their PR campaign to prove that a chemical sweetener corporation leveraging women's body image issues for cash is totally all about feminism. Then she could just sit back and let all that lucrative "profile elevation" roll in! Oh man, nothing pays the bills like an elevated profile. Seattle City Light was so pumped last month when I mailed them a screengrab of my Klout score instead of a check.

Anyway, Deveny really wasn't having it. You should go read Equal's full letter here (if you love hilariously garbagey PR boilerplate, MERRY CHRISTMAS), but it's Deveny's response that makes this story special. And if you're a professional who's ever been asked to work for free in that condescending we're-doing-you-a-favor tone, you just might fist-pump through the ceiling.

From: Catherine
Sent: Thursday, 13 June 2013 8:40 PM
To: Anne
Subject: Invitation for Catherine, to debate the choices Australian women make

Hi Anne,

Great to get your email. And when I say great, I mean hilarious.

Just one question. Why would I work for a multinational chemical company for free?

Do you?

How incredibly unprofessional to develop an advertising budget where you do not pay for the content. And how rude to ask people to work for nothing.

Did you pay the graphic designer? The web developer? The internet provider? Do you pay for the petrol in your car? Your hairdresser?

This is my job.

Joining a debate about the choices women make?

Here's the choice I make. Not to work for multinationals for free. Or any businesses. I am a single mum and I pay every single person who works for me.

Women are 50% of the population, do two thirds of the work, earn 10% of the money and own 1% of the property.

And you have the gall to frame this opportunity to work for free as some kind of feminist jamboree. And why we are on gall, promoting a dieting aid with feminism? Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth. Sorry what? It's about health, lifestyle and choices. No it's not. It's about selling dissatisfication and self loathing. I think you've picked the WRONG GIRL.

You don't give a rats about women, if you did you would not ask them to work for free. YOU WOULD PAY THEM.

How patronising and unprofessional.

So Deborah Thomas is working for free? Yeah, right. And I'm Delta Goodrem.

I will make sure everyone in my network hears about this.

‘Exposure’ don’t pay the rent.

I look forward to your response.

Catherine

Remember back in February when the New York Observer's Rex Reed called Melissa McCarthy a "tractor-sized" "obese" "hippo" in his review of Identity Thief? You know, because "film criticism"? Well, McCarthy has finally responded and, of course, her attitude is fucking great.

In a soft voice, McCarthy said her initial reaction to the piece was "Really?" She then asked, "Why would someone O.K. that?"

Taking the high road, McCarthy added, "I felt really bad for someone who is swimming in so much hate. I just thought, that's someone who's in a really bad spot, and I am in such a happy spot. I laugh my head off every day with my husband and my kids who are mooning me and singing me songs."

That's so perfect. That's so, so perfect. As a fat woman who gets this shit a lot—I blog about feminism because I'm bitter and lonely, I blog about fat acceptance to make it illegal for men to reject me, I blog about rape because I'm jealous of rape victims—the thing I always want to scream at these people is DOOOODS, I AM HAPPY. I have a hot genius boyfriend and hilarious kids and the funniest family and I live in a beautiful city by a beautiful lake and people respect me for my contributions to the world and I basically just drink wine and make jokes and watch Game of Thrones and dance around literally all the time. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS THE SAD FUCK. It's all right to cry, Rex Reed. Crying gets the mad out of you. [Us]

Tish Cyrus is divorcing Billy Ray. Frowny in the front, weepy in the back.

Billy Ray's wife, Tish Cyrus, is citing "irreconcilable differences" in her filing. Her decision to pull the plug on the marriage comes 3 years after Billy Ray filed for divorce but dropped it in an attempt to work things out.

Billy Ray and Tish have been married for 19 years and have 5 children, including, of course, Miley. There's only one minor child left, Noah Cyrus, who is 13.

Tish is asking for full physical and legal custody, with visitation to Billy Ray.Tish is also asking for spousal support, and she wants him to pay her attorney's fees. The date of separation is listed as TBD.

A few hours ago, Miley tweeted @billyraycyrus, "since your texts and email obviously aren't working would you like to talk like this."

Oh. Snerp.[TMZ]

Some dude claimed that he ghost-writes George Takei's wildly popular Facebook page for $10 per post. But then Takei fans everywhere freaked the fuck out, so the dude backtracked and was like, "No, JK, you guys! I just sent in some tips a couple of times and he never even wrote me back! George Takei is a one-man everything-machine! NOTHING TO SEE HERE." I don't get this story at all, but okey dokey, everyone.

Some fans of the actor expressed disappointment after comedy writer Rick Polito said in an interview with media blogger Jim Romenesko that he wrote jokes for Takei’s page for $10 each.

In a next-day email to Wired, Takei asked, “What is this hoo-ha about my FB posts?”

He added: “I have Brad, my husband, to help me and interns to assist. What is important is the reliability of my posts being there to greet my fans with a smile or a giggle every morning. That’s how we keep on growing.”

In a follow-up interview with Romenesko published Wednesday, Polito said he had written an apology to Takei and his husband, Brad Altman.

"I just said that I’d been looking for any mention of my book I could get and that I hadn’t meant to expose anything," Polito said. “I don’t update his page. I’ve had no direct contact with George. I’ve sent him some memes, as have other comedian types, and I was happy for the exposure.”

I was going to type a bunch of question marks in a row but then I realized that I don't care. [THR]

• If you haven't seen this photo of a kid who thought he was going to meet Iron Man and then cried when it was "just" Robert Downey Jr., you MUST look at this photo of a kid who thought he was going to meet Iron Man and then cried when it was "just" Robert Downey Jr. IMMEDIATELY. [People]
• Did you know that Lauren Graham wrote a bestselling novel? I didn't. But apparently she's making it into a TV series. [IndieWire]
• Keith Richards says heroin rulez, rehab droolz. (Much like Keith Richards when he's on heroin.) [Radar]
• Tina Majorino has signed on for the Veronica Mars movie. [THR]
• Lindsay Lohan transfered out of Betty Ford and into a new rehab clinic. [People]
• Miley Cyrus wore a crop top and literally the worst pants. [E!]
• Taylor Momsen signed a modeling contract. [Us]
• Happy 27th birthday, Olsen twins! Judging by your footwear, you are celebrating by taking a shower in an Italian youth hostel. [E!]
• Kristen Stewart wore clothes. [E!]
• Robert Pattinson's face got hired for something. [E!]
• Here's Ginnifer Goodwin as Jackie O. [Us]
• Later.
  

Images via Getty.

Here's another tally for the "maybe Facebook is run by decent human beings" column: In response to a petition by breast cancer patient Scorchy Barrington, Facebook officials have clarified their position on moderating post-mastectomy photos.

They totally get why mastectomy photos are important (and also why breastfeeding photos aren't porny), and they promise to try not to take them down...unless they accidentally take them down. Or a bunch of people complain. Or they aren't surgery-y enough. Oh, and also they never really wanted to take them down in the first place (while leaving up graphic images of battered women captioned with hee-larious rape apologia)—it's just that all your grannies wouldn't quit cryin'! Don't be mad at Facebook—BE MAD AT YOUR GRANNIES.

Whatever they're trying to say—hey, progress!

Via the Chicago Tribune:

"We have long allowed mastectomy photos to be shared on Facebook, as well as educational and scientific photos of the human body and photos of women breastfeeding.

"We only review or remove photos after they have been reported to us by people who see the images in their News Feeds or otherwise discover them. On occasion, we may remove a photo showing mastectomy scarring either by mistake, as our teams review millions of pieces of content daily, or because a photo has violated our terms for other reasons."

The social networking site has also posted the following statement:

"We agree that undergoing a mastectomy is a life-changing experience and that sharing photos can help raise awareness about breast cancer and support the men and women facing a diagnosis, undergoing treatment, or living with the scars of cancer. The vast majority of these kinds of photos are compliant with our policies.

"However, photos with fully exposed breasts, particularly if they're unaffected by surgery, do violate Facebook's Terms."

For the grillionth time: the existence of a woman's body does not = porn. The topless taboo for women is complete arbitrary bullshit, and nothing highlights that more perfectly than these issues around mastectomies. So good on you, Facebook, for whatever it's worth. Now you just have to follow through.

Image via Flaxphotos/Shutterstock.

New testimony in the Michael Jackson wrongful death trial reveals that Jackson was unable to afford a house for his family in his final years, and lamented that they were "living like vagabonds."

Randy Phillips, on the witness stand for a sixth day in the wrongful death trial, recounted an emotional Halloween meeting with the pop star at a Bel Air, Calif., hotel, where the legendary King of Pop told him “they were living like vagabonds.”

“He actually broke down and I broke down — we both broke down,” Phillips said.

“He got emotional. He teared up about his family and having a good life with them and a place to live and a residence they could call their own.”

Lordy, the contagious melancholy of Michael Jackson is still too much to take, and he's not even around anymore. [Radar]

God I love it when Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson does stuff. Anything. All the stuff. Does he have some secret horrible conservative underbelly I should be aware of? I really can't keep track of every celebrity's shitty parts. Anyway, here he is talking to some inmates at a prison:

He captioned the pic, "I was arrested multiple x's as a teen (fighting/stupid sh-t) Said if I can make it, so can you," he said. "Stay strong #LockUp."

Back in 2010, Johnson told Metro that he had been arrested eight or nine times in his teen years.

"I got in trouble a lot when I was younger. By the time I was 16, I had been arrested eight or nine times for a variety of things, terrible things that I shouldn't have been doing."

"Much later in life, once I got out of college, I started to understand the power of seeing your potential and what that means."

I like The Rock the person almost as much as I like The Rock the movie, which is the most. [E!]

Here is Steven Tyler talking about falling all over the place because of drugs, but also how drugs are kind of great.

"Drugs took me down," he admitted. "Yes, it got us through the '70s, if it wasn't for Peruvian marching powder, we wouldn't have been able to do what we did. From the '70s to 79, we played every state except Alaska and Hawaii."

Stern subsequently pressed Steven for more, asking whether drugs got him through those tough years on tour, and the rocker responded without any hesitation, "I know it did," he confessed.

As for Tyler's American Idol gig? The 65-year-old music legend said he wasn't a fan of the format and adopted a "gentle" judging approach because he "couldn't imagine telling some girl or J.Lo telling some girl she sucks and she can't sing so for the rest of her life she's not singing."

So then why did he sign up for the singing competition? Well, it all goes back to his 2009 collapse.

"I took it because I was pissed off at the band. I fell offstage and nobody called me and I was also on drugs, so I held the grudge," he admitted before adding, "You know those guys suck, but I love ‘em to f—king death."

It's always so jarring when famous people say things that are honest. [E!]

• THIS IS AN ARTICLE ABOUT CELEBRITY CHICKEN COOPS. [E!]
• Something about Danny Trejo. [Deadline]
• Here is a Jay Cutler/Kristin Cavallari wedding photo. [TMZ]
• Lindsay Lohan plans to attend the Venice Film Festival when she gets out of rehab and probably a pigeon will poop on her. [E!]
• The "mystery woman" belonging to Jason Segel ("Jason Segel's mystery woman") has been "identified." She is an actress. [E!]
• Harry Styles has George Michael-inspired ankle tattoos. [E!]
• Rachel Uchitel's husband claims she subjected him to "cruel and inhumane treatment." [E!]
• Here is Scarlett Johansson kissing Chris Evans. [E!]
• Reese Witherspoon went shopping. [JustJared]
• Transformers 4 caught on fire and Michael Bay and Mark Wahlberg had to be evacuated. Dude, you have like 19 sentient fire trucks in the cast. This shouldn't happen. [E!]
• This gives me all the teen feelings.
  

Images via Twitter, Getty.

In the past month, I feel like I've read approximately 9,847,601 articles about bra size and bra fitting and bra washing and bra conspiracies and bra science and bra crime and why everybody on earth is doing bras better than me. This is the thing right now. Huh, they snort. Did you know that 250% of women are wearing the wrong bra size? Did you know that a rogue underwire was what brought down Amelia Earhart? Did you know that if you put your bra in the dryer it becomes sentient and starts trying to ruin your credit score in the night?

But here's my question: WHY ARE WE SO GODDAMN PERPLEXED BY BRAS? Surely we invented them on purpose, right? Surely someone on earth knows how to use one, yes? Why is it that as soon as we step inside the Bermuda Triangle of human bodies + tape measurers + adjustable nylon straps, we all start smoking at the ears and coughing up springs like a robot that somebody just spilled hot coffee into? (My bad, Kevin-3000.) How can this thing of our own making bewilder us so?

The New York Observer ran a trend piece yesterday about custom bra fittings (headlinemouth: "Bra Boutiques Bloom as Big Bazongas Bewilder the Bamboobled!"), detailing the experience of getting your boobs honked by a professional after waiting in the cold for eight hours. The verdict: It's stressful and expensive and you're basically paying elegant ladies to be mean to you, but in the end your cans look great!

The fitter led me to a room, told me to strip, frowned and snapped the band of my brand-new Elle Macpherson. “Too loose,” she declared.

As I defended myself against her “bad bra” judgment—it was brand new! and the right size!—she insisted that I try on some models that would fit more snugly in the front. Before I could say no, I was wearing a bra I dubbed “Blue Swan,” for the ornate design work that cascaded down like a costume piece from Natalie Portman’s ballet film. The brand also made a “Balconette” bra, which I assume was French for “put your boobs in the balcony section.” I cried mercy after looking at the $216 price tag, protesting that those were orchestra prices. I nevertheless ended up purchasing the Balconette, along with a blue and white push-up by Chantelle that gave the kind of insane Victoria Beckham cleavage where the laws of gravity end somewhere around the midriff.

On the way out of Intimacy, I was reminded that even if I hand-washed my new purchases, I shouldn’t expect them to last longer than six months.

No wonder women don’t want to get sized. In two days, I had managed to spend $500 on six pieces of underwear that no one outside of my boyfriend will ever appreciate.

Seriously. Six months? $500? Why is this happening? Why can't we just DO BRAS NORMAL?

It's like 100 years ago this strange conical contraption fell from space and Bronson Pinchot has been trying to unlock its secrets ever since, while the rest of us just bluff like we know what to do with it like the goddamn Little Mermaid brushing her hair with a fork. And when the aliens finally show up they're going to be like, "WHY HAVE THE MEAT ANTS STRAPPED GRABOOLIAN BLOOD DIAPERS TO THEIR MAMMARIES? WE THREW THOSE AWAY ON PURPOSE, YOU GUYS."

Way to go, women—you embarrassed us in front of the aliens. It's like Intergalactic Traumarama. Now everyone on Tarvos calls us "Poo-Jugs!" We'll never live it down!

I don't know if this buzzy new Jockey sizing system (the "Volumetric Fit Bra") is going to revolutionize tit-having, but I'm willing to give it a try. I like wearing a bra, but I'm certainly sick and tired of being stabbed in my tender heart by errant underwires. And maybe, just maybe, if somebody finally figures this shit out, we won't have to have this conversation 9 million more times. Deal? Up-top, Poo-Jugs.

Image via KellyNelson/Shutterstock.

That doesn't mean that sexism is WORSE than racism or homophobia—I just think it's invisible in a really insidious way.

When it comes to being a woman on the internet, there are enough frustrating roadblocks every day to make your brain liquefy and dribble out your ear all gross (more frustrating roadblocks than there are fireplaces at Rosings Park, AMIRITE). But possibly the most frustrating of all are the gnashing hordes constantly demanding that you educate them, educate them, educate them. Oh, you write about sexism on the internet? Well, before we get into all that boring nuance and subtle gender dynamics that feminist scholars have been demarcating for years, can you just back up 17,000 steps and prove to me that inequality exists?

Sorry, friend—for the record, forever, FUCK NO AND FUCK OFF.

Frank Bruni's op-ed on Monday, titled "Sexism's Puzzling Stamina," was painful in its simplicity. It's comforting to hear gender inequality stated so plainly—accepted so calmly and wholly—by someone outside of the feminist blogosphere. The fact is, our culture is still dealing with the same basic shit that was outraging kitchen-table progressives 20 years ago. We confuse comfort for freedom and then lambast women for complaining. We blame victims and apologize for predators. We dictate, to exacting standards, how women's bodies should look and move. We see nothing wrong with asking a female professional how her kids handle her frequent business trips, and whether or not she's considered staying home. We do not ask the same of men.

While racism and homophobia are treated, in mainstream discourse, like abominations (however meekly we might combat them and however aggressively they go to ground), sexism is still something of a grey area. Here's Bruni:

I keep flashing back more than two decades, to 1991. That was the year of the Tailhook incident, in which some 100 Navy and Marine aviators were accused of sexually assaulting scores of women. It was the year of Susan Faludi’s runaway best seller, “Backlash,” on the “war against American women,” as the subtitle said. It was when the issue of sexual harassment took center stage in Clarence Thomas’s confirmation hearings.

All in all it was a festival of teachable moments, raising our consciousness into the stratosphere. So where are we, fully 22 years later?

We’re listening to Saxby Chambliss, a senator from Georgia, attribute sexual abuse in the military to the ineluctable “hormone level” of virile young men in proximity to nubile young women.

And:

Our racial bigotry has often been tied to the ignorance abetted by unfamiliarity, our homophobia to a failure to realize how many gay people we know and respect.

Well, women are in the next cubicle, across the dinner table, on the other side of the bed.

And on top of all of that—all the cumulative blows and fears, tiny and massive, that women are expected to absorb every day—you're asking me to educate you? You want ME to Google things for you? I don't even know you. I'm not your secretary and I'm not your mom and I don't have some special Powder Fresh library card that gets me into the restricted section where they hide all the truth about whether or not I deserve to talk at the board meeting.

If you're confused about how airplanes stay up, you don't fucking e-mail Richard Branson. And if you did, and you didn't hear back, you wouldn't assume that he isn't really committed to making airplanes stay up—or that airplanes aren't really in the sky. You'd assume that he's FUCKING BUSY.

Say a man worked really hard to establish a smart, nuanced blog about the nature of black holes. If you noticed someone constantly hounding that dude to prove that space exists, would you take that person seriously as a part of the discourse? Would you accuse the black-hole blogger of "stifling the conversation" if he refused to engage with every single dodo?

Say I throw a weekly dinner party and I'm trying to decide whether to buy wine or beer for my guests. And say I ask you, "Hey, do you think I should get wine or beer for the party?" and say you ignore my question entirely and respond, "Hey, do you think I should take a shit on the floor?" And say, also, that this conversation plays out exactly like this every single week? And then you do take a shit on the floor? And I have to clean it up?

Would you REALLY be surprised if I stopped wanting to engage with you? Would you be mad if I didn't answer your stupid question about the shitty floor?

Now imagine there are fucking thousands of you. That's what being a woman on the internet is like.

It's not black people's responsibility to be your personal racism tutor, and it's not women's responsibility to take your moist little hand and give you a guided tour through the oppressive, old-timey limitations that circumscribe our lives. It is not my responsibility to vet every single one of your stupid rape jokes, and it is not Anita Sarkeesian's responsibility to prove to you that gaming culture has a misogyny problem while she's busy processing a bajillion "make me a sandwich, cunt"s from little baby gamer boys. We've been running backup for you long enough. Fucking do your own shit.

Maybe I shouldn't be so hostile. If you've been on the receiving end of a "hush, the grown-ups are talking" or a crying cat gif, and that was painful for you, my bad. After all you're just asking, and wasn't I just saying that I'm committed to discourse and critical thinking? Yes. I am. But here's the thing: you're not. This isn't a new derailing tactic—it's ancient. One million people have written about it before me. But if my Twitter feed is any indication, plenty of people haven't read up on their own bad behavior (weird) and need a goddamn refresher. So here's the late, great Derailing for Dummies on the subject. (Sometimes I just read Derailing for Dummies over and over again instead of therapy.)

By insisting you can only learn if they right then and there sacrifice further hours of time going over the same ground they have so often in the past, you may also make them give up and go away altogether, enabling you to win by default.

But further, you give the impression that you really want to learn, but they’re holding you back! That’s right, using this tactic you can suggest that full understanding is what you crave – you want to be a better, more connected and compassionate person – but it’s not your fault! Nobody ever gave you the education! And now that someone is here who is so obviously qualified, they’re denying you your Privilege® given right to have everything you want handed to you on a platter!

Look. It's not that hard. You don't have to be perfect. Just be grateful for what you have and take a second and listen. Instead of trying to pretend you've never had anything (for a primer on how you can have nothing but still have a whole lot, watch this), just take a second and listen to other people. Be grateful, pay attention, and then react. You don't even have to be proactive if you don't want to. But don't ask me to do your homework for you, because that shit is insulting.

FINALLY. Remember Beyonce's regular body? The alive one that's all made of fat and muscles and full of organs? Guh-ROSS. Luckily, the ad wizards at Roberto Cavalli took care of it and are proud to present Beyonce: 2.0.

Apparently Roberto Cavalli isn't a big fan of Beyoncé's curves.

The fashion house sent out a press release this morning showing an illustration of the vibrant cutout gown designed for her Mrs. Carter Show world tour with an obviously altered version of the star's signature physique.

While the embellished dress was positively magnificent in all of its multicolored splendor, we couldn't help but notice that Jay-Z's ladylove looked superskinny in the sketch.

Because nothing makes more sense than hiring a very expensive celebrity to represent your brand and then Photoshopping them beyond all recognition. [E!]

Dina Lohan is "praying" that Amanda Bynes is okay.

Dina called in to VH1's The Gossip Table to talk with co-anchor Rob Shuter about Amanda, saying: 'You know, as a mom, I don't really want to comment.'

But added: 'I pray that she's okay.

'And you know I believe, you know, 95 percent of what I read, possibly, out of a hundred. I don't know her, honestly, so I just pray she's okay.'

DINA. STEP AWAY FROM THE BYNES. [DailyMail]

"Will Smith Kisses Son Jaden on the Lips During Interview in Thailand."

"I sense there's a distance in terms of affection between the general and his son," Woody mentioned regarding the pair's characters in the film. "Is it like that at home, or no?"

"Nah, we're very affectionate," both Will and Jaden said as the actor playfully tried to touch and hug his son. "He even tried to kiss me once," Jaden said, technically jumpstarting what's about to happen. Woody was then prompted to ask, "Oh, have you ever kissed your son on Thai television before?"

That's when Will grabs Jaden's face as his son yells, "No, no, no..." for what everyone expects will just be a peck on the cheek, but nope! Will goes for a full-on kiss on the lips (it's at around 4:50 in the video).

I mean...'kay. [E!]

Here's Seth Rogen clowning on The Guilt Trip—his buddy/road comedy with Barbra Streisand.

“We shot that movie in the format that plays on aeroplanes only,” Rogen joked about Streisand comedy The Guilt Trip.

“They were like: ‘Talk loud because theengine will be roaring. You’ve got to talk over the engine; there’s announcements early on in the flights. You’ve got to take that into consideration.’”

I literally watched that movie on a plane with the sound off. It was not hard to follow. [Express]

• Alexa Chung wrote a book. [E!]
• Here is Cat Deeley wearing a dress. [Express]
• Here are Eddie Murphy's daughters wearing bikinis. [E!]
• Joan Rivers is turning 80 and "celebrating it with my 80th face." The schtick, we get it. [Extra]
• Kris Humphries is "good," "happy," training for MMA. Look at his little face. [Extra]
• Kate Upton turned 21 and partied with pervy old politicians. [Extra]
• Here is Lauren Conrad wearing clothes and talking about stuff. [DailyMail]
• Edward Furlong is in jail again. [E!]
• Rider Strong Rider Strong Rider Strong Rider Strong Rider Strong! [E!]
• CAN I PLEASE HAVE WHAT'S IN THOSE JEANS ALREADY!?
  

Images via Roberto Cavalli, iam.beyonce.com.

I don't usually bother going all kookooroo over celebrity couples because I don't know them, but OMG THIS ONE THOUGH. Sources are conflicted over whether or not wry and gorgeous mini-cupcake Ellen Page is actually snoogling with alarmingly hot Nordic adonis Alexander Skarsgard. But if, perhaps, they're on the fence about making it official, and are just looking for words of encouragement from some shouty internet rando, I'M HERE FOR YOU GUYS. AND I CONDONE IT.

After a cozy photograph of Ellen Page and her The East costar Alexander Skarsgard made the rounds on social media over the weekend - Tweeted out by the film's director Zal Batmanglij, no less – speculation ramped up that the two were an item off-screen.

But, a source tells PEOPLE, the costars are just friends. And it isn't even clear how long ago the picture was taken.

The actress, however, liked it enough to re-Tweet: the photo shows the two dressed in matching denim outfits with Skarsgard's arm around Page, who seems to be lying in his lap. "Canadian tuxedo party," she wrote, referencing their denim on denim ensembles.

[People]

Amanda Bynes has expressed interest in launching a hip-hop career, and it looks like one producer is taking her up on it. Because SURE WHY NOT WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG. There's no such thing as too much exposure.

The embattled actress has expressed her interest in rap in recent weeks on her Twitter page and it appears someone was taking note.

Daniel Herman of Chinga Chang Records has confirmed that he is in the middle of negotiations with Bynes, and he's keen to finance her breakout album.

He tells PerezHilton.com, "The fact that Amanda wants to do hip-hop music means that Chinga Chang label is the best place for her to do this, because of my past experience with bringing pop and legitimate hip-hop together."

...The actress has also recently been offered the chance to host a show for Playboy Radio.

Sure, let's give her a military command while we're at it. How about a managerial position at Sbarro? Hey, maybe Amanda Bynes could fix this hole in my loafer! Does she know how to cobble? Does the government have a Wig Czar? I have to go. [MSN]

Sad! After only three years of marriage, Jane Lynch and Lara Embry are divorcing.

The 52-year-old Glee star, who wed Dr. Lara Embry in Sunderland, Mass. in 2010, announced on Monday that she and her wife are getting a divorce – and RadarOnline.com has the details.

“Lara and I have decided to end our marriage. This has been a difficult decision for us as we care very deeply about one another. We ask for privacy as we deal with this family matter,” Lynch said in a statement to People.

The couple met in 2009 at a fundraiser in San Francisco where Embry was being honored, marrying the next year at the Blue Heron Restaurant over Memorial Day weekend in Massachusetts, where gay marriage is legal.

Maybe "sad" isn't the right word, because decisions like these are generally good for the people involved. Instead, to quote my late father when he was trying not to swear around children, I'm going to go with "grumpy doodoo." [Radar]

Beyonce wrote this fucking amazing note to Serena Williams and now ALL the tears are plopping out of my face. [Deadspin]

• Rachel Uchitel is getting divorced. Who is that again? Wait, literally never tell me. [TMZ]
• "Kanye West demands croissants." [EW]
• Billy Joel is selling his gaudy-ass mega-mansion. (I TMZ]
• The best braids from Game of Thrones. [TheCut]
• The Jackson kids' biological mother Debbie Rowe is offering to take on guardianship of Paris. [TMZ]
• The best headlines take us on a journey. "Rosie Huntington-Whiteley Wears Neon Green Bikini, Hugs Jason Statham." [Us]
• The best headlines take us on a journey: part deux. "Justin Bieber Has Guys' Night Out at Disneyland." [E!]
• Tom Felton looks absurdly better without Malfoy hair. Also he's doing a thing. [Deadline]
• Ian Ziering made his Chippendale's debut. Missed opportunity to wear a Steve Sanders signature big-armhole-shirt, IMO. [People]
• People are being fucking sociopathic dicks about Rachel Zoe letting her 2-year-old son Skyler wear his (gorgeous, curly, auburn) hair long. "I guess you want a daughter." People. I am nearly done with you. [Us]
• He had to actually do all of the stuff in this video.
  

Images via Twitter, Getty.

Weird—I hadn't realized until just now how much I want to sublet a $250 room in Baltimore! If the marketing fairy is reading this post, hurry up and give the virtuoso who wrote this Craigslist ad a job. And if any of you are looking for a cheap, cute room in Baltimore, snap this one up so I can live vicariously through you.

The charm is in the hilariously annotated photographs, so make sure to click through. My favorite parts:

The Front Hallway! This is not a very important part of the house!

Pretty Fast Internet!

The Kitchen! It's got all the stuff!!

The Shire (This is as far as you can go before you are officially on an adventure)

[Aerial view of nextdoor] HOT BABES PROBABLY LIVE HERE

Anyway, this post does it no justice, so go look for yourself. Consider me charmed.