Captain Underpants Gets More Calls for Censorship Than Fifty Shades

The ALA revealed its top five most challenged books of 2013 and, somewhat surprisingly, lines like "suck me, baby" and "my inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves" weren't enough to nab "mommy porn" staple Fifty Shades of Grey the #1 spot. Instead, Anastasia and Christian are languishing down at #4… » 4/16/14 10:00am Today 10:00am

It's Official: Maya Rudolph's Variety Show Has an Airdate!

Ooooooooooohhhhhhh, ooh ooh ooh, Maya Rudolph's variety show is happening—let me be on it! Let me be on it!! Pick me! I have 13 years of girlchoir experience, I kind of remember the choreography to "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy," and I can sing every word of Tom Lehrer's The Elements WHILE DRUNK. (Especially while drunk.)… » 4/15/14 8:00pm Yesterday 8:00pm

'World's Toughest Job' Viral Video Is Obvious, Manipulative and Stupid

At this point, if anyone on the internet tells me that a video is going to "blow my mind," or that I need to "wait for it," or that I should prepare to "change the way I think," I immediately want to run an ultra-marathon down an abandoned mine shaft and into the earth's molten core. I despise a "big reveal." How dare a… » 4/15/14 4:00pm Yesterday 4:00pm

Ice Cube Says He Was 'Robbed' by Paul Walker at the MTV Movie Awards

Alas, MTV hath done Ice Cube a great disservice. Mr. Cube believes that he and Kevin Hart should have won "Best Onscreen Duo" at last night's MTV Movie Awards for their work in Ride Along, which is a movie about two guys and one of them is worried and the other one has a car. But instead, Cube and Hart were cruelly… » 4/14/14 8:00pm Monday 8:00pm

Yes, You CAN Take Creepy Photos of Women in Public, But Please Don't

The Facebook group "Women Eating on Tubes" (which encourages members to post candid, nonconsensual photos of the eponymous activity) might be a gentler, less sexually aggressive cousin of Creepshots, but it occupies the same ethical quicksand. Yes, it is technically legal to photograph women without their consent, no, I… » 4/12/14 5:00pm Saturday 5:00pm

Dean McDermott Admits to Cheating, Tori Says It's 'Never Enough Sex'

As I've mentioned before, I have an intense and irrational attachment to the marriage of Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott, based on one flu-riddled binge-watch of Tori and Dean: Inn Love. So I have very complicated feelings about Dean admitting (on camera, on the pair's upcoming reality series True Tori) that he… » 4/11/14 8:00pm Friday 8:00pm

Moms of the World, Despair!!! Coldwater Creek Is Going Out of Business

You guys. If ever there were a time to stock up on boxy boucle one-button cardigans and a shoe that's kind of a clog but kind of a sneaker with an appliqued daisy on the toe-box, THAT TIME IS NOW. Because Coldwater Creek, the indefatigable catalog staple of moms everywhere, is officially going out of business. » 4/11/14 5:45pm Friday 5:45pm

Did Ben Savage Get a Nose Job to Make His Nose Long and Pointy!?

As we gird our collective loins for the television event of the century—the premiere of Girl Meets World, OBVIOUSLEH—it's important to tackle the tough questions. Questions like, "Will there be Shawn?" and "Will there be Eric?" and "Will there be Feeny?" and "Wait, DID BEN SAVAGE GET A MOTHERFUCKING NOSE JOB!?!?!" The last Q… » 4/10/14 8:00pm 4/10/14 8:00pm

It Isn't Jim Bob Who Keeps Impregnating Mrs. Duggar--It's CAPITALISM

And so it begins. Duggars: TNG. The first of the Duggar girls—Jill, 22—is engaged to be married and says she plans to follow in her parents' footsteps, "popping out" kids until God decides she's had enough. Oh, and also she and her husband are waiting until their wedding for their first kiss—which is neither here nor… » 4/10/14 6:15pm 4/10/14 6:15pm

In Battle of the Sexes, All-You-Can-Eat Buffet Is the Great Equalizer

It's not easy being a man in the modern American matriarchy! Always being forced to buy all the dinners and win all the bread and dominate all the high-paying jobs and respect all the bodily autonomy. UNFAIR, RIGHT? Sometimes it feels like what happened to equality, you know!? What do men have left to live for, even?… » 4/10/14 5:15pm 4/10/14 5:15pm

Wal-Mart Launching a Cheap Organic Food Line to Destroy Whole Foods

In an effort to cash in on our nation's current hunger for "organic" foods, Wal-Mart is launching an extensive new line of organic products. The Wild Oats line (itself a former Whole Foods brand) will retail for about 25% less than equivalent products at more established organic grocery stores. » 4/10/14 3:45pm 4/10/14 3:45pm

Faith Hill Was Engaged to Another Man When She Got with Tim McGraw

» 4/09/14 8:00pm 4/09/14 8:00pm

Faith Hill and Tim McGraw are in a big fight or something, because Tim McGraw was photographed without his wedding ring on, and the bloidz say it's NO SURPRISE because apparently she cheated on a non-Tim-McGraw man-person with Tim McGraw when she and Tim McGraw first got together! And, as we all know, there is only… » 4/09/14 8:00pm 4/09/14 8:00pm

How to Catch a Liar (or Become a Really Good One)

I'd like to think that I'm pretty good at spotting a liar. Like this morning, when I went to grab some ice cubes for my cold brew and there was only ONE CUBE left between BOTH TRAYS and I said to the 10-year-old, "Did you put the ice cube trays back in the freezer with only one ice cube left?" and she looked at me with… » 4/09/14 4:15pm 4/09/14 4:15pm

Scarlett Johansson Hates the Name 'ScarJo,' Finds It 'Insulting'

Hello, stargazers! Scarlett Johansson would like you to please STOP calling her "ScarJo" because ScarJo is a nickname and nicknames are for friends and Scarlett Johansson is NO FRIEND OF YOURS. In an interview with Glamour, she explained that "there's something insulting about it." » 4/08/14 8:00pm 4/08/14 8:00pm

Quote on the 9/11 Memorial Is 'Shockingly Inappropriate,' Says Scholar

Whoops! Looks like someone should have consulted their local classicist before picking the quote for the 9/11 memorial. The text, taken from Virgil's Aeneid, is rendered in 15-inch letters (made of steel salvaged from the wreckage) that stretch for 60 feet across a wall of the National September 11 Memorial Museum,… » 4/08/14 7:45pm 4/08/14 7:45pm

Milk Is Great for Your Joints, and Cheese Is Destroying Them

When I was a kid, it was all about milk. "Set the table! Wash your hands! Milk or water?" was the refrain at every mealtime. Not juice, not iced tea, not soda (Diet Coke wouldn't take hold for another decade)—just water or milk, milk or water, simple as that, as though the two were interchangeable. Nonfat for my mom, 1%… » 4/08/14 6:45pm 4/08/14 6:45pm