Golden Retriever Loves Watching Football SO FUCKING MUCH OH MY GOD

This golden retriever, much like your cousin Chad, cannot even fucking cope with his excitement about football season. He loves it so much, in fact, that some Septembers he will hop back and forth laterally for NEARLY TWO POINT FIVE MINUTES STRAIGHT. (Much like your cousin Chad.) And that is just the hopping we know… » 9/05/14 4:50pm 9/05/14 4:50pm

Finance Douche Throws Pee-Pants Tantrum After Being Rejected on Tinder

Rejection is the pits. We know this. Professional rejection, academic rejection, organ rejection, and, most especially, romantic rejection. So it's totally understandable why this semi-anonymous Tinder user, known only as "Tom," would FLIP THE FUCK OUT like a baby that got sand on its binky when politely rebuffed by a… » 9/04/14 6:15pm 9/04/14 6:15pm

Nicki Minaj's Dancer Describes Being Chomped by a Snake at the VMAs

Genise Ruidiaz, a contortionist and dancer, was slated to perform in Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda" routine at the VMAs while holding a live boa constrictor. The snake idea was scrapped before the live show, however, because it BIT RUIDIAZ DURING REHEARSAL WITH ITS BIG SNAKE MOUTH. And then the replacement snake bit a… » 9/02/14 8:10pm 9/02/14 8:10pm

Texas Cops 'Swarm' School, Pray Over 'Possible Fetus' Found in Bathroom

Dallas police reportedly "swarmed" a high school after a "possible fetus" was found in the bathroom, and announced that they were treating the girl who apparently miscarried and then "abandoned" the fetus as a "suspect." They were also praying for her, said Dallas Police Major John Lawton. Well, isn't that nice. » 9/02/14 4:30pm 9/02/14 4:30pm

Navajo Boy Sent Home on First Day of Kindergarten for Having Long Hair

Oh, cool. A devastating end to a shithead summer. Five-year-old Malachi Wilson, a member of the Navajo Nation, was sent home from his first day at a Texas kindergarten for having hair that was deemed "too long." Wilson's mother, April, says that her son was devastated by the encounter. And, seeing as Wilson keeps his… » 8/29/14 3:50pm 8/29/14 3:50pm

Miranda July Invented a Messaging App that Makes Strangers Talk to You

Artist, writer, filmmaker, space faun, and great-eyeball-haver Miranda July has now joined the ranks of the tech bros with her new project "Somebody." It's a smartphone app that's part messaging service, part public performance art project, part social commentary on technology and isolation. You can get an idea of how… » 8/28/14 6:45pm 8/28/14 6:45pm

Fuck Santa! Kirk Cameron's New Movie Gives Baby Jesus His Birthday Back

Let me tell you guys my idea of a perfect Christmas. You wake up like it's any other day—it might not feel like December 25, it might even feel like, say, August 27—you go to work, you eat your sandwich, you shoulder life's banality with the resignation of a much older woman, and then...someone sends you a link. You… » 8/27/14 11:30pm 8/27/14 11:30pm

Southwest Airlines Apologizes for Misplacing Elderly Woman

Eighty-five-year-old Alice Vaticano was supposed to be wheeled to the Southwest Airlines gate to catch her flight home to Denver, but instead a "processing error" left her stranded in a wheelchair in Newark for 11 hours. Vaticano, who is "sometimes forgetful," didn't know where she was, and had no choice but to sit… » 8/27/14 3:50pm 8/27/14 3:50pm

Dear Prudence Doesn't Think You Should Bother Coming Out as Bisexual

Dear Prudie is just a troll, right? That's her thing? Like, that time when she attempted to "help" a "gluttonous" child (CHILD!!!) with a mocking animated video that depicted said child (CHILD!!!!!!!!) as a ghoulish pig-monster—she didn't really believe that that was a good, ethical, constructive thing to do, right? » 8/27/14 1:45pm 8/27/14 1:45pm

Woman Attacked by Raccoon She Thought Was Her Cat

When I was a kid, we had two cats who came and went as they pleased via a cat door in our basement. Their names were Georgie and Gracie, which isn't really relevant to the story—I'm just mentioning it because RIP, MY SWEET LADIES—and we were confused because they seemed to be not only eating massive amounts of food,… » 8/26/14 9:50am 8/26/14 9:50am