The video is SO WEIRD. Nobody laughs and then he's like "it's true" and then they just move on and it didn't read "joke" at all. But maybe I just WANTED it to be true.
Adam Sandler Says His Maid Rubbed Poison Ivy All Over Him
Okay, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS STORY. Adam Sandler went on Jay Leno last night and told a heeeee-larious story about how for two months straight he kept waking up covered in itchy lesions, so he set up a security camera in his bedroom and caught the housekeeper sneaking in and rubbing poison ivy all over his entire body…
Yes, everyone. Yes. If your girlfriend repeatedly tells you that your penis is repulsive in a way that causes you emotional harm, you should break up with her too. This applies in all directions.
Ugh, relationships, amirite!? All full of "other people" and "other people's bodies" and "other people's stuff touching your body." It's a recipe for Problem City: The Food.* For instance, don't you hate it when somebody finds your vagina repulsive, yet keeps putting his penis in it over and over? I certainly do. MORE ON THAT IN A MINUTE.
Farrah Abraham Wants to Tell You About What's Been in Her Butt
I mean, okay. Let it all out, Farrah. I'd like to state for the record that—though I do not want to hang out with her ever AT ALL—I don't personally care what Farrah Abraham puts into and pulls out of any of her teenage holes, and calling her a "whore" (as if that's an objectively bad, shameful thing to be) just makes…
Charles Ramsey Video Game Lets You Throw Hamburgers at Ariel Castro
I've been uncomfy with this whole Charles Ramsey meme since about, oh, 15 seconds after I first watched the now-famous video in which Ramsey, candid and charming, describes his heroic rescue of three kidnapped Cleveland women. I'm not uncomfortable because I don't like Ramsey—I do, as much as you can "like" a complete…
Hero Teens Stop Their Prom Limo to Rescue Victims of Car Crash
Today in FINALLY, SOMETHING NICE HAPPENED: Twenty Florida high school seniors were prom-bound in their limousine when they saw a van hit the highway median and flip over. Feeling the clarion call of heroism, the teens unstrapped their cummerbunds, tossed aside their Jessica McClintock boleros, and leapt from the…
I swear a lot. In writing, if not so much in speech (but, fuck it, also a lot of times in speech). Swearing is awesome, because it adds a little extra punch to your sentence that lets people know you mean business! Or, at least, I guess that's how most people characterize the function of swearing. Personally, I don't really give a shit. That "punch" is meaningless—it's a construct—I swear this much because I like to push back against outdated, constrictive, distracting forms of propriety that I don't believe in. When people bitch at me about swearing in articles about grievous, mind-boggling, viscerally enraging hypocrisies and human rights violations—that's what's interesting to me. That tension, that decision to prioritize meaningless bullshit over tangible real-world harm. Fuck you, and fuck your delicate sensibilities.
Don't Want to Get Raped? Just Don't Drink, Says Hong Kong Official
Yo, women, I don't understand why we have to keep having this conversation. It's simple: If you don't want to have your life violently rearranged by the horror of rape, you just need to pre-rearrange everything in your life, severely limiting your movements and self-expression, so as to avoid ever letting your guard…
