Justin Bieber's Monkey Is Now a Naturalized German Citizen

Hey, remember when Justin Bieber's baby monkey got seized by German customs? (NOT A EUPHEMISM, PERVS.) Well, instead of going all Not Without My Monkey-Son on the German boy-king or whatever, Bieber was just like "w-evs," and didn't even fucking bother to send in the the required vaccination and import papers to get his…

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I'm really talking cumulatively here—if you are missing ALL of these events (entrance exams, bake sales, safety patrol, school play, graduation, parent-teacher conferences, whatever), then that is a crazy situation and I am genuinely curious, in a non-judgmental way, about why you embarked upon this child-having…

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Administrators at some tony New York private schools are currently having a massive collective snit over the fact that rich parents don't show up for even the most basic school functions. Instead, they send hired nannies along to entrance interviews, bake sales, "safety patrols," class plays, and any other volunteer duties in which parent participation is expected. Teachers and administrators (and some other parents) are pissed off at having paid employees sub in for parents at events intended to foster a sense of community.

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Rihanna and Miley Cyrus Want to Do Lesbian Mouth-Hugging

Today in totally not-at-all manufactured real-life news about facts, somebody asked Miley Cyrus if she wanted to make out with Rihanna and she was like "yup," and then somebody else asked Rihanna if she wanted to make out with Miley Cyrus and she was like "k," and now the two of them pretty much have a lesbian…

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Okay, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS STORY. Adam Sandler went on Jay Leno last night and told a heeeee-larious story about how for two months straight he kept waking up covered in itchy lesions, so he set up a security camera in his bedroom and caught the housekeeper sneaking in and rubbing poison ivy all over his entire body while he slept. And then he said, "Why are you doing that?" And the housekeeper went to the laundry hamper and pulled out some of Adam Sandler's soiled man-panties and said, "That. That's why." I assaulted you in the night as revenge because you consistently make me handle the stiff, reeking casualties of your leaking butthole. [End of story.] And then Leno is literally like, "Teeeeeeeeeee-hee-hee-hee-hee-heeeeeeeeee!!!" OKEY DOKEY, EVERYONE INVOLVED.

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