Administrators at some tony New York private schools are currently having a massive collective snit over the fact that rich parents don't show up for even the most basic school functions. Instead, they send hired nannies along to entrance interviews, bake sales, "safety patrols," class plays, and any other volunteer duties in which parent participation is expected. Teachers and administrators (and some other parents) are pissed off at having paid employees sub in for parents at events intended to foster a sense of community.

I'm sure by now you're familiar with Pete Santilli, the right-wing radio host, "former U.S. marine, and Coca-Cola Executive," who recently presented his extremely impressive four-point plan for shooting Hillary Clinton in the vagina.

Okay, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS STORY. Adam Sandler went on Jay Leno last night and told a heeeee-larious story about how for two months straight he kept waking up covered in itchy lesions, so he set up a security camera in his bedroom and caught the housekeeper sneaking in and rubbing poison ivy all over his entire body while he slept. And then he said, "Why are you doing that?" And the housekeeper went to the laundry hamper and pulled out some of Adam Sandler's soiled man-panties and said, "That. That's why." I assaulted you in the night as revenge because you consistently make me handle the stiff, reeking casualties of your leaking butthole. [End of story.] And then Leno is literally like, "Teeeeeeeeeee-hee-hee-hee-hee-heeeeeeeeee!!!" OKEY DOKEY, EVERYONE INVOLVED.